In the Blue Corner In the Red Corner
Pete Jennings Pat King
As Agony Uncle for the Jever Steam Laundry Web Site I occasionally have to mediate in long running
disputes between shareholders. I thought it best to hold these in the open and welcome comment from other
shareholders. This first dispute is certainly long running - 47 years - and concerns a cuckoo clock whose
value is one of the issues.
Pete Jennings makes his opening statement for the prosecution:
Uncle Mick.
I see that you now have one Pat King down to travel on the coach to Jever, well that
should fill up 4 seats. All I will say is to make sure you get his fare paid up front because he has
previous for not coming up with the old 'moolah'. I am not talking about a few hundred beers or so so
that he scrounged off fellow pilots in the bar during his time at Jever but the considerable sum that he
owes me for looking after his non-cookooing cuckoo clock. (The cheapskate couldn't even run to
getting a cuckoo that would alert you to the time without having to get out of bed to look at the bloody
thing.) Anyway, when this aforesaid PK left Jever on posting to CFS - yet another deal he failed
to cement, he could not find room in his morris minor for a gnats cock let alone a non-cuckooing
cuckoo clock. So, he left said cuckoo in my tender care to cosset and protect under promise of
remuneration on the safe return of same. Some 25+ years later at the AGM 87, I returned this now
rather aged but otherwise well scrubbed-up cuckoo to the even more aged King Pat, he being in rather
less than pristine condition and did I get paid? I am still waiting! At just a few pence a day in old
money you can see this works out to a not inconsiderable sum. Probably enough to pay for the
libations of all those attending the next AGM. Perhaps you could use your undoubted influence on
the site to shame the aforesaid miscreant into paying up/out or else, but as I started out by saying,
make sure he has the funds to get to Jever and back. No, don't worry about the return journey,
just don't tell him when we are leaving.
Toodle pip, yrs PDJ.
I reported this in a sworn affadavit to the aforesid Pat King and here is his holding reply:
Dear Uncle Mick
Many thanks for forwarding to me Peter Jennings hallucinations based email about my cherished
and valuable cuckoo clock. I cannot let his comments go unchallenged and I will reply in due
course ( I am busy at present working with other children and will give time to him when I've nothing
better to do) giving the real story behind what in fact amounts to the deliberate purloining of a
valuable early and rare timepiece.
As an aside, with Jennings on board on the trip to Jever, I recommend you advise other passengers
to bring ear defenders and, as a contingency plan, a plentiful supply of gobstoppers..
Yours
Your Much Admired Friend
Pat King
All I can say is Watch This Space - this could go on.
Dear Uncle Mick
Introduction
1. As you know, in my previous email to you on the subject of Pete Jenning's defamatory email
about me, I noted I would reply in due course. I apologise for the delay however, I have
refrained from replying immediately because I had hoped that Pete would somehow come off
whatever substance he was, and presumably still is, on and would publish an unqualified
apology and so my reputation would remain unsullied.
2. Being of a charitable nature, I hoped his silence meant he was in 'substance' rehabilitation,
in which case I could have forgiven him. Sadly my hopes have not been realised. He has
therefore left me no choice but to rebut his confused, meandering, grossly inaccurate litany of
unfounded allegations with cold hard facts devoid of personal attacks on Pete himself.
I would not stoop to such attacks because they would only compound his evident, and
understandable, inferiority complex. I believe that it is this complex combined with
'medication' he is on which compelled him to attack others more capable than himself.
Why he should have selected me is a mystery, when he had so many,many others to chose
from. But there we are. I am saddened that a previously quite, modest, polite, impeccably
mannered person should suddenly ''flip'. Perhaps age has also not dealt him a helping hand.
3. He suggested to you that I should be left behind at Jever. I think the more pressing
issue is should he even travel at all. However, I must leave that weighty decision to you.
I will certainly help him with what I understand from others is his wish to swim in the Rhine
while we are at Arnhem or indeed before that on the Ferry.
Main Allegation - Parsimony
4. Pete claimed that I had 'previous' (argot in the criminal underworld [with which he is
clearly familiar] for someone with a record) based most tenuously upon the points noted
in the succeeding paragraphs. You must judge for yourself Uncle Mick, now however
you can do so based on hard fact not upon 'medication' fantasies fuelled personal eccentricities.
Beer
5. Reading his ramble on my alleged parsimony, his first point is that I never bought a beer.
His evidence is based on some tenuous flights of fancy. First that I was bought hundreds
of beers at Jever however, in his conveniently selective 'recall' of those halcyon days, he
omitted to state that the hundreds of beers were a grateful response to the thousands I
had bought other officers. Pete was often in the bar. You could see him in the mirror
as you bought beer: he stood right back from the bar scanning for anyone purchasing
a few so that he could 'strangle' a freebee, something at which he was quite accomplished.
I understand from his one friend that his IF scan was not a quarter as good.
Cuckoo Clock
6. His next point surrounding the cuckoo clock is a complex of confusion made even
more obscure yet again by selective memory. I bought the cuckoo clock as an investment
- it was an early plastic one and Pete immediately recognised it was valuable. Indeed,
he would sometimes come to my room simply to admire it. He claims that I was too
mean to buy one that 'cuckooed'. That is not true. Being the considerate person I am,
I bought a 'non cuckooing clock' so that others in our block would not be disturbed
unnecessarily. We did not need a second noisy cuckoo in the block, Pete was enough.
7. On leaving Jever, he asked me if I would leave the clock in his care because he said
that it would remind him of the many kindnesses I had done him. Ever ready to help the
underdog, I foolishly,as it transpired, agreed. He promised faithfully to give it back when
he returned to UK. He did 40 years later, only when he heard I had taken legal advice,
so putting even more wind into him. The clock had been quite badly damaged, the result,
I understand, of moments when he was even less in control of himself than normal.
The Conclusion
8. Now having the unblemished truth Uncle Mick, I know you will conclude correctly
that far from being parsimonious, I was kind and considerate to Pete who has essentially
tried to 'bite that hand that fed him friendship'.
The Way Forward
9. To reinforce that I try to help those less fortunate than myself ,and in the spirit of
forgiving, on our trip to Jever, I intend to sit next to Pete as often as possible to help
him adjust to the real world. I know that he will like that although he will pretend
he doesn't. It will give him the chance to buy me a few beers , a tacit admission
of his mistakes which will bring him some respite from the torture he clearly is going
through.
10. Finally, Uncle Mick, two requests. First, would you please ask Pete not to call
me 'Sir' when we met at JSL functions - it's totally unnecessary and embarrasses me,
for I am essentially modest person. Second, would you also ask him not to incline
his head so courteously when we meet. Again, it's embarrassing to be bowed to.
If he wishes to recognise our respective stations in life, which I would completely
understand, ask him to do what I am sure comes naturally to him: Curtsy.
Yours Most Truthfully
Pat King.
Over to the Prosecution for cross-examination. I thought of putting them together
in the same room for the Jever trip but decided the Hotel Trade in Europe has only just
begun to recover from the last time we were all there. So I put "Pfennig" Hunwick
to share a room to watch over Pete's wilder excesses. Here is Peter's Reply:
Dear Uncle Mick,
I note that sometime officer King has at last found some gullible person to pen
a letter in reply to my missive of some months ago. And what can I say about
such an offering that can only be the rather sad ramblings of an old fellow -
distant memories, half remembered, all of a jumble and going on and on- verbiage
is a word that springs to mind. I won't attempt to explain his ramblings except
perhaps to comment on his 'substance' para.
Now you and all other members of RAF Jever will remember that PK was in
possession of rather more 'substance ' than most others at that time and we
can only thank the lovely and long suffering Audrey for her commendable efforts
over the years in relieving said PK of some of that substance (aka avoirdupois ).
As for his posting to CFS, it took just 2 weeks for the heirarchy there to suss
him out and out he went, no doubt saving FTC considerable embarassment
by keeping all young and vulnerable students well away from his influence.
They were proved to have made the right decision as some time later he was
required to write an explanation of how a Swift ( not Apus apus ) could alight in
trees and get airborne again. If his latest effort is anything to go by then
undoubtably his explanation must have run to such lengths that the C-in-C
no doubt fell asleep trying to read it and somehow PK was promoted instead!
I recall at Jever that he was something of a nightbird and would often be
seen in the bar at 2000 hrs when most other 93 Sqn. members were well tucked
up in bed. He forgets to mention, well he didn't know, that his fellow Sqn.
members developed quite good avoidance techniques and managed to be
somewhere else when he was about. He often used to seek me out for
counselling and being a kind and warm-hearted chap I did my best to explain to
him how to get on with people.
Problems occurred in the block with the batwomen and even dear Effie could
often be heard exclaiming "herr King, herr King" as she scurried down the
corridor to the safety of her room away from the advancing birthday suited PK
on his journey to the bathroom. I recall another occasion alone in the 'mess,
reading the' Christian Science Monitor ' when our hero, unable to find anyone
else, asked if I would accompany him on a trip downtown to search out various
hostelries. I did not reveal that 93 Sqn. had departed thro' the front door as he
approached from the rear. Reluctantly I agreed to go along hoping that I could
keep him from damaging Anglo-German relations. We set off in one rather
muddy off-white Morris Minor but first had to stop at the front of the 'mess'.
I think he was so excited to find anyone brave enough to sit in his 'saloon' that
he had to make a courtesy stop before setting out. As he stumbled up the
steps he shouted out something about driving his xxxxxxx car which I took as
an invitation to try it out. Mistake! I should have known better than to try it
as after just 2 circuits of the garden in the front the throttle jammed and it was
all I could do to keep the thing under control at ever increasing speed.
Cursing my luck at being in this machine and concentrating hard on these
circuits I became aware of an increasing gallery of folk in front of the 'mess'
now somewhat alarmed at my plight. One sometime Sqn. Cdr. thought he
could stop this runaway machine by using Karma and leaping in front of the
car on one circuit. Unfortunately I missed -I mean he leapt to safety and
tragedy avoided. Fortunately the throttle released next circuit and our
hero was able to resume control once I had brought his machine to a stop
down the road apiece and we hurried away. Yet another fine mess he talked me
into.
As for our trip, I hope you have taken my advice on matters previous
relating to PK, Audrey obviously has faith in your organisation and planning
and is happy to let him travel on his own and I just hope you have all the
necessary medicines - probably best if you start the sedation early! The thing
is to humour him and we shouldn't have too many problems.
Yrs, Peter
I don't know how I am to keep them apart on the coach. Perhaps I better sedate
both of them with liberal application of Jever Pilsener. I shall set aside
40 of the 80 bottles of Jever Pils that I have provided for just such medicinal
purposes. By the way, if anyone does hear a splash on the Ferry, or even as
late as at Arnhem, let me know immediately as I might be able to get a refund on
the room.
